At first glance, the title of this article may seem unusual. Why would anyone need to have a conversation with their partner about how to apologize? Shouldn’t a good apology naturally flow from someone who is genuinely sorry for what they’ve done?

In reality, offering a meaningful apology is a skill; it requires learning and practice. A heartfelt apology has the potential to be a healing experience for the person who was hurt, but when done poorly, it can lead to even more hurt feelings. Most of us have experienced being on the receiving end of an apology that fell flat, leaving us feeling disappointed or misunderstood. Likewise, many of us know the frustration of offering an apology that didn’t have the impact we intended. Clearly, there is always room to grow when it comes to saying, “I’m sorry.”

Harriet Lerner, in her brilliant book, Why Won’t You Apologize?, dives into the art and psychology of meaningful apologies. In this article, I’m sharing her wisdom on why apologizing can be so challenging, common mistakes we often make, and most importantly, the key to a sincere apology.

Why Is Apologizing So Hard?

Apologizing taps into some of our deepest fears and vulnerabilities. Here are a few reasons why it’s such a challenging skill to master:

1. Fear of losing control
   Admitting wrongdoing can feel like relinquishing control over the narrative. When you apologize, you’re acknowledging that someone else has been hurt by your actions, and that can feel unsettling. Harriet Lerner emphasizes that true strength lies in vulnerability, but our instincts often push us to defend rather than admit fault.

2. Shame and ego
   Apologies can trigger feelings of shame, as they force us to confront our imperfections. For many people, this discomfort is compounded by a fear of looking weak or being judged harshly. Our ego might convince us that it’s better to stay silent or justify our actions than to admit we made a mistake.

3. A desire to be right
   Sometimes, the need to be “right” overrides the willingness to take responsibility. When we focus on winning an argument or proving our point, we lose sight of the relationship and the harm that was caused.

4. Fear of rejection
   Offering an apology means opening yourself up to the possibility of rejection. What if the other person doesn’t accept your apology? This fear can make us hesitate or offer a half-hearted apology as a form of self-protection.

5. Cultural and social conditioning
   In some cultures or families, apologizing is seen as a sign of weakness rather than a path to growth. People raised in such environments might struggle to unlearn this mindset and see apologies as acts of courage and connection.

6. Lack of practice
   Apologizing is a skill that requires practice, but many of us didn’t grow up learning how to apologize effectively. Without examples of genuine apologies in our lives, we may fumble through the process, relying on unhelpful patterns like defensiveness or avoidance.

7. Emotional overwhelm
   When emotions run high, it’s difficult to pause and reflect on how to apologize sincerely. Anger, guilt, or embarrassment can cloud our ability to think clearly and communicate effectively. Many times it is more effective to take a break in the conversation to calm your body and mind, and then open up a new conversation with an apology once your emotions no longer feel out of control.

Harriet Lerner reminds us that while apologizing may be difficult, it’s also deeply rewarding. A heartfelt apology strengthens bonds, fosters trust, and helps us grow emotionally. The more we practice, the easier and more natural it becomes.

How Apologies Go Wrong

Often, our apologies fall short because they center on self-defense rather than accountability. You’ve probably heard (or said) something like this before:

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I was just trying to help.”

These phrases might seem harmless, but they shift the focus away from the harm caused and onto your intentions. As Lerner explains, the best apologies are free of justifications and focus entirely on the impact of your actions.

Here are some other common pitfalls:

1. The “if” apology

   “I’m sorry if I upset you.”

   This approach creates doubt about whether the hurt even occurred. It shifts the focus away from the harm caused and can make the injured party feel dismissed or invalidated.

2. The “but” apology

   “I’m sorry, but you have to understand where I was coming from.”
   Adding a “but” negates everything that comes before it. Instead of showing remorse, this phrasing redirects the focus to your intentions, effectively excusing your behavior and leaving the other person’s feelings unresolved.

3. Over-apologizing

   “I’m so sorry. I feel terrible. I can’t believe I did that. I’m the worst.”
   This can sound sincere at first, but over-apologizing often shifts the conversation to your own guilt rather than the other person’s hurt. It forces the injured party to comfort you, which is the opposite of what a good apology should accomplish.

4. Rushing the forgiveness process

   “I said I’m sorry. Can’t we just move on?”
   An apology is not a magic eraser. Pressuring someone to forgive quickly can feel dismissive of the depth of their hurt. Healing takes time, and a meaningful apology allows for that process to unfold naturally.

5. Deflecting blame

   “I wouldn’t have said that if you hadn’t made me so angry.”
   This shifts responsibility onto the other person, making the apology hollow. A true apology requires owning your actions without assigning blame elsewhere. If you have your own hurt feelings that you would like to share, the appropriate time to do that is not during your apology, but rather at a later time after you have repaired the rupture caused by your actions.

The Key to a Sincere Apology

Now that we’ve talked a lot about what NOT to do when you apologize, let’s zero in on what matters most. Harriet Lerner reminds us that a genuine apology does more than just mend fences; it reaffirms the humanity of the person we’ve hurt. It says: “You matter to me.”

We are all human. We all make mistakes. Own your actions that led to your partner’s hurt feelings simply and sincerely, and then focus on how you will do better moving forward.

“I’m sorry for what I said. It was hurtful, and I take responsibility for that. I agree that it’s not ok for me to say hurtful things when I get angry. I am taking steps to work on that so I can start to prove to you with my actions how much I value and care about you and our relationship.”

Then, take the necessary action steps to prevent the hurt in the future, whether that means learning new skills, problem-solving around a specific barrier, making lifestyle changes, or healing wounds within yourself through therapy. The old adage that “actions speak louder than words” holds true here, and the best way to say, “you matter to me” is to show it.

With all of this in mind, consider sharing what you’ve learned about how to apologize with your partner. Own up to the ways you may have fallen short in the past, and commit to practicing this skill together. You may want to pick up Why Won’t You Apologize? for more tips and wisdom on how to master the art of repair.

If repairing after an argument continues to be a struggle in your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out for help from a professional. A skilled and experienced therapist can often help you to see more clearly what is getting in the way and the path to healing.