Parenting is uniquely stressful. In fact, the Surgeon General recently issued an advisory calling attention to “parental stress, mental-health, and well-being” as an urgent public health issue. So, if you are reading this article because the words “parental burnout” spoke to you, know that you are not alone.

Burnout, a term that was popularized in the work/career sphere, is an exhaustion response to chronic stress. The phenomenon of parental burnout (which has been found to be distinct from other forms of burnout, and also from mental health conditions like depression) has been defined by researchers as having four components that may occur in stages:

1. Parental Exhaustion

   Parental exhaustion, the first component, refers to the overwhelming feeling of fatigue that arises from the constant demands of parenting. Parents often juggle multiple roles—caretaker, educator, and emotional support—and the relentless nature of these responsibilities can lead to depletion. Parental exhaustion may be characterized by intense physical fatigue, a profound sense of being drained emotionally and psychologically, or both. In this stage, parents may find themselves waking up in the morning already exhausted and dreading their parenting responsibilities.

2. Loss of Fulfillment

   The second component is a loss of pleasure and fulfillment in the role of “parent.” A parent in this stage may think, for example, “I love my children, but I am sick of being a mother.”

3. Emotional Distancing

   The third component, emotional distancing, involves a withdrawal from the emotional engagement typically present in parenting. When parents experience burnout, they may feel less connected to their children and may struggle to respond to their emotional needs. In this stage, parents may agree with statements like, “I’m just going through the motions with my kids and doing what I need to do to get through the day.”

4. Feelings of guilt

   Finally, because this state of burnout is such a stark contrast from the parent’s vision for the type of parent they used to be or believe that they should be, the fourth component includes feelings of extreme guilt and a sense of inadequacy. Unrealistic expectations—either self-imposed or influenced by societal standards—can make a person especially susceptible to this stage of burnout.

Unsurprisingly, parental burnout can take a large toll on the mental health of the parent and have negative impacts on the children and family as well. Often, individuals experiencing burnout find themselves in conflict with their partners/co-parents. This makes sense, as one’s partner/co-parent is in the best position to offer relief in the form of breaks from parenting responsibilities, yet these conversations can be tricky to navigate, especially when one’s emotional resources are depleted. The potential for conflict, and the feelings of guilt associated with parental burnout itself, may lead some couples to avoid these discussions altogether.

If you are experiencing burnout and would like to start a conversation with your partner about it, here are some tips to keep in mind:

1. Invite your partner to have a conversation at a relatively lower stress time for both of you (e.g., during nap time, or when you have a babysitter or family member to help) and resist bringing it up in the heat of the moment when you are overwhelmed and dysregulated.

2. Notice if you are feeling anger or resentment toward your partner. Anger is a natural emotional response when we perceive some sort of injustice, and may be a cue that you are dissatisfied with the division of parenting responsibilities or the “mental load” of parenting in your relationship. This is an important topic, and one I will address more fully in a future post, but it is likely not the place to start the conversation about burnout. Avoid blaming or shaming your partner, as this will only activate defensiveness and make it more challenging for the conversation to continue.

3. Share that you are noticing symptoms of burnout related to parenting, your feelings about it, and your desire to collaborate to find a solution. For example,

   “I’ve been reading about signs of parental burnout, and it seems to describe what I’ve been experiencing lately. I’m really struggling with guilt and sadness that I’m not able to show up for our kids in the way I always wanted to. Can we talk through some ideas of what might help?”

4. Begin with problem-solving about how each of you can take consistent, planned breaks from being “on” in your parenting role. Start small if needed (e.g., a walk around the block with your phone set to “do not disturb” mode). Consider carving out an hour or two for each partner on the weekends to do whatever feels restful or might recharge you.  

If approaching this type of conversation feels challenging, or if your communication has become more contentious in general and you would like to enlist the help of couple therapist to guide you through, contact Have the Talk Counseling to schedule an initial appointment.

Have the Talk Counseling will also be offering group programming for managing parenting stress and burnout. Fill out an interest form if you would like to be alerted to future offerings.