First, let’s set the scene: You are at home after a long day and find yourself mentally ticking off a seemingly never-ending list of household to-dos in your mind. You look over to see that your partner appears to be taking a moment to relax on the couch, and this instantly fills you with rage. Woah, how did your feelings escalate so quickly?

You are certainly not alone in this experience. The mental gymnastics you were just doing prior to noticing your partner on the couch is often referred to as the mental load. It's the constant, invisible responsibility of managing the emotional and logistical aspects of life—everything from updating the grocery list to remembering birthdays. Over time, carrying this load can lead to burnout and resentment, especially when one partner feels like they’re shouldering the bulk of it. You might already know it’s time to have the talk about the mental load, but with all of these big emotions lurking in the background, how can you initiate a conversation that doesn’t start a fight, but rather leads to greater understanding and teamwork? Let’s dig a little deeper into the definition of the mental load, the story behind all that resentment and, finally, some tips for having a productive conversation about the mental load with your partner.

What is the Mental Load?

The mental load refers to the ongoing cognitive effort required to manage everyday life. It goes beyond completing physical tasks like cooking, cleaning, or caregiving—it’s the mental and emotional labor involved in remembering, organizing, and planning for all those tasks. The person carrying the mental load is often the one who anticipates needs before they arise—whether it's scheduling doctor’s appointments, planning weekly meals, or making sure the kids have everything they need for school. It’s like an invisible mental checklist of everything that needs to be done to keep the household running smoothly.

When the sheer volume of items on that mental checklist becomes overwhelming or unmanageable, it can lead to significant stress, exhaustion, and emotional burnout. This burden can be difficult to see from the outside, but its effects are deeply felt by the person who shoulders it.

How the Mental Load Leads to Resentment in Relationships

The main factor that leads to resentment in relationships is when there is true inequity in how the mental load is divided between partners. This can happen even when both partners have the best of intentions for an equal division of labor in their relationship. It might occur, for example, in relationships where one partner is over-compensating for the other partner’s challenges with organizing and planning, such as in the case where one partner has ADHD. (See my blog post, Have the talk about the impact of ADHD on your relationship, for more about this dynamic.) In cis-heterosexual relationships, societal expectations often place the burden of cognitive labor on the female partner by default. A common example of this is when a school calls the mother to pick up a sick child, even if the father is listed as the primary emergency contact. This bias is also internalized by the female partner herself, such as when a neighbor drops by a newlywed couple’s home and the wife worries about how she will be perceived regarding the untidy space, while it would never occur to the husband that the mess could reflect poorly on him. In this example, the husband, wife, and neighbor all have the implicit bias that the wife is responsible for the cleanliness of the home. Changing our default assumptions takes a lot of conscious effort, and so it is not uncommon for couples to fall into stereotyped gender roles. Regardless of how or why the imbalance in mental load develops, it can lead to feelings of frustration and anger, emotional responses that naturally arise when someone perceives an unfair situation.

Another reason the mental load can breed resentment in relationships is that it’s often invisible and goes unnoticed. While physical tasks like washing the dishes or taking out the trash are easy to see, the ongoing mental work—planning, organizing, and remembering—can easily slip under the radar. Over time, the partner carrying this load can feel unappreciated or unsupported. When one person is always anticipating the needs of the household without recognition, it can deepen feelings of frustration.

This unrelenting mental strain can also lead to burnout, as the person feels "on" all the time, never truly able to switch off or relax. When we are burned out, we may be more short-tempered and more likely to make negative interpretations about our partner’s behavior.

An imbalanced mental load can also negatively impact the partner who is less involved in the invisible labor. Often, they are asked to carry out tasks without fully understanding the reasoning behind them, opening themselves up to criticism when their efforts don't align with their partner's expectations. They might recognize that their partner is taking on too much but feel unsure about how to step in, especially when their offers to "help" are met with responses like, "It'll be faster if I just do it myself." These negative interactions can create a sense of emotional disconnection, where both partners begin to feel out of sync, as if they’re no longer working as a team. Physical intimacy may suffer, too, as a result of the feelings of overwhelm and disconnection.

How to Explain the Mental Load to Your Partner

If you’ve recognized that the mental load is a source of tension in your relationship, it’s important to approach the conversation with understanding, clarity, and a collaborative spirit. Here are some steps for how to explain the mental load to your partner in a way that promotes positive change:

1. Acknowledge your own feelings

Before having a conversation with your partner, take some time to reflect on how the mental load is affecting you. Look beneath the feelings of anger. Are you feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated, or exhausted? Are you noticing a pattern in your thoughts, such as constantly worrying about what needs to be done next? Understanding your own emotions will help you communicate more effectively during the conversation.

2. Choose a calm moment to invite your partner to a conversation

That moment where you notice your partner relaxing and find yourself filled with rage is NOT the right time for this conversation. It’s important to approach the topic calmly, without accusations or blame. Instead, emphasize the mutual benefit in discussing the topic and commit to staying open and non-defensive: “I know neither of us has been enjoying my angry vibe lately. Would you be open to having a conversation where we both stay calm and curious and collaborative and talk about how we’re feeling and what might help?”

3. Share an example of the mental load and how you feel carrying it

If your partner accepts your invitation, be prepared to share in a non-confrontational way about how it feels to carry the mental load.

“I’m feeling really burned out on all of the planning I do on a daily basis. To give an example, there is so much mental energy that goes into making our meals. Every day, I’m deciding what every person will eat for every meal, which means I’m also keeping a running inventory of what foods are in the house, a list of recipes I can make, a system for rotating so we don’t eat the same thing every day, and a plan for when we will have time to grocery shop for whatever items we are out of and which store we should go to depending on the items needed, because one store has the specific brands our kids like and other has the best produce… and all of this is before I even start to cook. I’ve ended up taking on this mental load in a lot of areas and it’s truly exhausting.”

4. Be willing to listen and acknowledge your own role in the current dynamic

A productive conversation about the mental load is a two-way street. After sharing how it’s impacting you, make sure to listen to your partner’s perspective as well. They may not have fully realized the extent of the mental work involved, or they might be dealing with their own stressors that contribute to the imbalance. It’s also possible that they’ve tried to take on more of the planning in the past, but felt their efforts weren’t appreciated or welcomed. Recognize, also, that in order for your partner to lighten the load, it may mean letting go of some control over how and when things get done.

5. Problem-solve how you will make changes

Together, you can brainstorm ways to divide responsibilities (including the planning and organization of those responsibilities) more fairly and create a system that works for both of you. This may involve creating new routines, checking in with each other regularly, or simply being more intentional about the mental load you each carry. It can be helpful to start small; Trying to redistribute everything at once is unlikely to be successful. Pick one or two responsibilities to start (e.g., laundry and calendar management) and then, once the new habits around those items are firmly in place, move to the next. Keep in mind that a key component of problem-solving is to have a follow up conversation about how the solution you chose to implement is working. You can always make changes to your plan if needed.

Having an open, honest conversation about the mental load can bring about positive change, reducing stress in the household and increasing mutual support. Don’t hesitate to reach out for extra help if needed. As a couple therapist and certified Fair Play method facilitator, Dr. McGinn at Have the Talk Counseling is especially well-equipped to facilitate conversations about the mental load. Reach out today.