Oof. We’re starting off with a tough one, but let’s dive in. Survey research on stressful life events shows that individuals tend to rate infertility as on par with the death of a child or partner. Certainly, it is easy to see why an infertility diagnosis can have such a profound effect on both partners and the relationship. For many couples, it violates their expectation of what their lives would look like together. Partners may have chosen each other in part because they could picture having children together, and now the viability of that future is being called into question. Many feel like they are putting their lives on hold as they navigate various medical interventions and wait to find out if they will ever enter the world of parenting. Their emotions are caught in a confusing in-between where they are having to grieve and hope at the same time. Partners may also struggle with shame or guilt about the diagnosis or any number of painful thoughts and insecurities. What did I do to deserve this? Would my partner still have chosen me if she knew? Who am I if I never become a mother?

Avoidance when it comes to talking about an infertility diagnosis can be subtle. Couples may discuss it on the surface level, such as deciding to proceed with a particular medical intervention, but avoid discussing the underlying emotions and fears. Often partners, because they care so deeply for one another, avoid as a way of protecting the other, so that they are not “adding to the pain” their partner is already experiencing. Other times, partners may avoid to protect themselves from the painful emotions the topic brings up.  As always, avoidance has the desired short-term effect of “protection,” but in the long-term it can allow emotions and insecurities to build and create distance between partners at a time when they need each other most.

Another difficulty that can arise for couples is when there is a mismatch in how each partner is coping. One may be avoiding as described above, while the other is fully entrenched in the emotional experience and frequently expressing distress. It is not uncommon for us to have natural differences in how we cope with stress, but sometimes we make other less helpful interpretations about our partner’s behavior, seeing it as an indication that our partner “doesn’t care” or “is giving up.”

So, if we are mutually avoiding or on different pages about discussing the struggle with infertility, what can we do to break out of this pattern? A good first step is to check in with yourself to get clear on your own thoughts and feelings. A few prompts to get you started:

1. How am I talking to myself? The title of this article is intentionally “struggling with infertility” and not “infertility” on its own. There is a difference when our self-talk says, “I am infertile” vs. “I am struggling with infertility.” Our brains interpret the first of these statements as a permanent character trait and the latter as something outside of ourselves that we are facing.

2. What has society or my family told me about what it means to be a parent? Am I getting the message that I’m not valuable if I do not have biological children? How much do I believe this?

3. If I just sit with myself for a moment, what are the most prominent emotions for me? Sadness or grief? Guilt or shame? Anxiety or fear? Once I can notice and name the emotion, can I figure out what that emotion is about? What am I telling myself that is amplifying those emotions for me?

4. How do I feel when I’m around other families with children? Is it a painful longing? A worry that I won’t be fully included as long as I don’t have kids? A feeling of envy that others have it easier?

5. What are my fears for our relationship? Am I scared by the intensity of your emotions, like I might lose you to your sadness? Worried that our sex life will never be the same? Afraid this will drive us apart?

Once you are clear on your own experience, it is time to set the stage for sharing. It can help to directly ask for the reaction you need from your partner. For example,

“I think it’s important that we talk more openly about how we are feeling about all of this so we can support each other. I don’t want you to fix anything for me. I just want to tell you what it’s been like for me and have you hold me while I talk.”

Or perhaps,

“I need some reassurance that I’m not alone in thinking this way. I know we won’t always react exactly the same, but tell me if you feel any of this, too, or if you can at least understand where I’m coming from.” You could also share this article with your partner so you can both think about the prompts and what you need from each other.

If this conversation feels too difficult to approach on your own, consider reaching out to Have the Talk Counseling to enlist the help of a professional. The struggle with infertility is not something you and your partner have to face on your own, and your relationship can actually grow stronger from this experience if you are having the right conversations.