Have the talk about struggling with infertility
Research on stressful life events reveals that individuals often rank infertility as emotionally devastating as losing a child or partner. It's not hard to understand why—an infertility diagnosis can shake both partners to their core, disrupting not only their individual identities but also their shared vision for the future. Many couples enter relationships with the expectation of building a family together, and when that dream is suddenly uncertain, it can feel like their entire future is in limbo. As they navigate medical interventions and the agonizing wait for answers, they find themselves suspended between grief and hope, mourning what might never be while still yearning for what could be. On top of this emotional turmoil, feelings of shame, guilt, and self-doubt can creep in. What did I do to deserve this? Would my partner have chosen me if they had known? Who am I if I never become a parent? These deeply personal struggles make infertility not just a medical condition, but a profound emotional and relational crisis.
Avoidance when it comes to talking about an infertility diagnosis can be subtle. Couples may discuss it on the surface level, such as deciding to proceed with a particular medical intervention, but avoid discussing the underlying emotions and fears. Often partners, because they care so deeply for one another, avoid as a way of protecting the other, so that they are not “adding to the pain” their partner is already experiencing. Other times, partners may avoid to protect themselves from the painful emotions the topic brings up. As always, avoidance has the desired short-term effect of “protection,” but in the long-term it can allow emotions and insecurities to build and create distance between partners at a time when they need each other most.
Another difficulty that can arise for couples is when there is a mismatch in how each partner is coping. One may cope by avoiding, as described above, while the other is fully entrenched in the emotional experience and frequently expressing distress. It’s not uncommon for individuals to handle stress differently, but these differences can sometimes lead to misinterpretations, such as seeing a partner’s behavior as an indication that the partner “doesn’t care” or “is giving up.”
So, if we are mutually avoiding or on different pages about discussing the struggle with infertility, what can we do to break out of this pattern? A good first step is to check in with yourself to get clear on your own thoughts and feelings. A few prompts to get you started:
How am I talking to myself? The title of this article is intentionally “struggling with infertility” and not “infertility” on its own. There is a difference when our self-talk says, “I am infertile” vs. “I am struggling with infertility.” Our brains interpret the first of these statements as a permanent character trait and the latter as something outside of ourselves that we are facing.
What has society or my family told me about what it means to be a parent? Am I getting the message that I’m not valuable if I do not have biological children? How much do I believe this?
If I just sit with myself for a moment, what are the most prominent emotions for me? Sadness or grief? Guilt or shame? Anxiety or fear? Once I can notice and name the emotion, can I figure out what that emotion is about? What am I telling myself that is amplifying those emotions for me?
How do I feel when I’m around other families with children? Is it a painful longing? A worry that I won’t be fully included as long as I don’t have kids? A feeling of envy that others have it easier?
What are my fears for our relationship? Am I scared by the intensity of your emotions, like I might lose you to your sadness? Worried that our sex life will never be the same? Afraid this will drive us apart?
Once you are clear on your own experience, it is time to set the stage for sharing. It can help to directly ask for the reaction you need from your partner. For example,
“I think it’s important that we talk more openly about how we are feeling about all of this so we can support each other. I don’t want you to fix anything for me. I just want to tell you what it’s been like for me and have you hold me while I talk.”
Or perhaps,
“I need some reassurance that I’m not alone in thinking this way. I know we won’t always react exactly the same, but tell me if you feel any of this, too, or if you can at least understand where I’m coming from.” You could also share this article with your partner so you can both think about the prompts and what you need from each other.
If this conversation feels too difficult to approach on your own, consider reaching out to Have the Talk Counseling to enlist the help of a professional. The struggle with infertility is not something you and your partner have to face on your own, and your relationship can actually grow stronger from this experience if you are having the right conversations.
