Have the talk about the transition to parenthood
The transition to parenthood can be REALLY HARD. Let’s start with that basic premise. It can be wonderful and beautiful and all the other things, but this period of time after bringing a baby home is, almost universally, a challenging season of life for couples. This is true for a multitude of reasons:
1. Postpartum hormone changes
I state this one first because it is easily forgotten, but if one partner in your relationship birthed your new baby, you can expect an impact of hormonal changes on your interactions for some time. The associated mood swings are no joke and can really alter the way you perceive situations.
2. Lack of sleep
The consequences of extreme lack of sleep cannot be understated. There are certainly individual differences in how well a person adapts to this disruption, but chronic sleep deprivation is going to affect many aspects of functioning, including your emotional and behavioral responses to your partner.
3. Postpartum depression or anxiety
Per the CDC, 1 in 8 women who have recently given birth experience symptoms of postpartum depression. Postpartum anxiety is not as commonly screened for or studied, but it is also estimated to occur in a substantial proportion of postpartum women (18% in one large study). Keep in mind that symptoms of depression and anxiety can occur in either parent, not just the parent who gave birth.
4. Reallocation of household division of labor
I can promise a future post about just this one topic, because there is a lot to unpack here. Suffice to say, even couples who carefully plan out how to distribute tasks equitably between partners may find that the reality does not quite match the expectation. The “mental load” of parenting is immense.
5. Less intimate time between partners
Couples may find less time for emotional intimacy as they navigate this new responsibility, and many conversations may become more practical in nature. Sexual intimacy is often put on hold for at least 6 weeks, but even longer in many cases due to physical discomfort during sex and a combination of the factors mentioned above.
6. Unexpected feelings of jealousy or resentment
Some parents may be surprised to notice that watching their partner interact with their child brings up something like jealousy or a feeling of being replaced or ignored. This could be insecurities from childhood that are popping back up at this vulnerable time, or something unresolved in the relationship from pre-parenthood times.
7. Grief over the associated losses
Another emotional experience that may come as a surprise to new parents is grief. If you have experienced pregnancy loss prior to this birth, you may notice twinges of sadness during the moments you imagined but never experienced in a previous pregnancy. For others, there is a grieving process around the “life before kids” that you leave behind. To be clear, grief is not the same as regret, but it is quite common to have an emotional response to the loss of freedom, sense of self, or community that can come along with new parenthood.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, research shows that relationship satisfaction declines, on average, following the transition to parenthood. Couples may also struggle to communicate about their relationship during this time for all of the same reasons described above. You may wonder, how can we make time for relationship talks when we are deep in survival mode? Is it even possible to have a productive conversation while I am this sleep deprived? While I am clearly not a proponent of avoidance, these are valid concerns. So, what is realistic for a couple going through this transition?
To start, if you are experiencing symptoms of postpartum depression or anxiety, you should seek out professional support for this first and foremost. There are very effective treatments out there that can help. Treating this very real illness will make everything else a lot more manageable.
After that, recognize that some of the stressors (e.g., severe sleep deprivation) are time-limited. You and your partner are likely not the best versions of yourselves right now, but that won’t last forever. As such, I offer this briefer alternative to a long, thoughtful conversation while you’re in the thick of it: (1) acknowledge the issue, (2) give yourself and your partner permission to struggle, and (3) promise to return to it. This could look something like one of the following:
“I know that you are frustrated with me. I promise I’m trying. I think we’re both really tired and emotionally spent right now. Let’s see if one of our relatives can come over tomorrow and hold the baby while we take a nap and then we can problem-solve a better way to do this.”
“I can see that our communication has not been great since the baby was born. I don’t want it to be that way, but I also really don’t feel like myself these days. Can we agree to keep trying our best but also kind of give each other a pass when it goes south for now and see where we’re at in a month?
At any point, if you can find the bandwidth, you can enlist the help of a couple therapist to navigate these challenges. Many couple therapists offer telehealth and flexible hours that might allow you to schedule while your baby is typically sleeping or when someone you trust is able to help out for an hour. If you are in Washington or any PSYPACT state, feel free to reach out to schedule an appointment with Have the Talk Counseling, PLLC.
