Have the talk about your trauma history
If the title of this article immediately brought up anxiety for you, I encourage you to read on. For many who have experienced trauma, there can be significant anxiety around sharing about what happened with a partner or other loved ones.
Traumatic events are those that involve threatened or actual injury or death, and often bring about intense feelings of fear, horror, or helplessness. This includes, for example, the experience of sexual or physical assault or abuse, being in a serious accident or natural disaster, or being in combat or a war zone. Some proportion of individuals who have experienced trauma will go on to develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but even in the absence of a PTSD diagnosis, traumatic events are often so impactful that they stick with us on some level can affect our behavior in relationships.
Given the intensity of the emotions that come up around the experience of trauma, it is not surprising that there is a pull to avoid talking about what happened, even within our closest relationships. In addition to the raw emotions about the trauma itself, there can also be secondary emotions that come about due to the way we think about what happened. Some individuals feel guilt or shame about the traumatic event, due to a tendency to blame themselves for some part of what happened. They may wonder, Will my partner still see me the same way after they hear my story? Will it change the way they feel about me? Will they think it’s my fault that this happened?
Others may fear that telling their partner about the traumatic event will be traumatic for their partner. There is a phenomenon called secondary traumatization, in which someone who is hearing about a traumatic event happening to a loved one can have some of the same post-traumatic symptoms as those who experience it firsthand. For this reason, it makes sense to be thoughtful about what level of detail is shared with a loved one, but it is still possible to discuss the event broadly, and especially to share about the emotional impact of the event for you and if/how it shows up in your day-to-day life.
While your hesitation to discuss the trauma is understandable, there are also a number of benefits to sharing about past trauma with your partner.
It gives your partner the opportunity to support you in a way that they couldn’t before. Support that comes from a place of knowing and understanding feels more authentic than blind support.
Your partner can start to understand some of your relationship behaviors in the context of your history. This will help your partner to take some of your actions less personally and to recognize your emotional triggers.
Whenever we are vulnerable with our partner, it provides the opportunity for increased emotional intimacy. It can feel uncomfortable to be vulnerable, and it is an essential part of growing closer together in a relationship.
It can be healing to learn that your fears about your partner’s reactions did not come to fruition. More often than not, your partner is not going to judge you as harshly as you do yourself.
If you want to experience these benefits, and, at the same time, are struggling to discuss your past trauma with anyone or have persistent symptoms of PTSD, the combination of individual and couple therapy can make a huge difference. Have the Talk Counseling PLLC is available to meet your couple therapy needs and can also provide referrals for individual therapy providers that specialize in trauma/PTSD recovery. Reach out to schedule or ask questions.
